Sat, Dec 18, 1999, 12:21pm

You need NEVER feel the need to draw lines with me Jenn .. I'm a big boy :)
I just have a "gutter mind" at times. Not always appropriate
Been there, done that .. tis okay, really :)
Good----thanks
There'll be times I may ask you to help me pick my mind out of the gutter, k?
You know I have the spatula...We'll scrape it up if we have to
That'll work ... hopefully you'll pick it up before the spatula is needed though ... lol
(Ewww, at mental image)
s~p~l~a~t ... lol
Well, mines pretty much like sausage w/out the casing......just a pile of rancid meat floating with the other sludge in the gutter of life
Sorry, I don't see that ... you're something special :) someone rather :)
Give me another week or two.....lol
I'll give you my whole life ... wouldn't matter ... first impressions are hard to change.
Damn....must make mental note........always put forth BAD first impression...gives you something to improve on without having to worry about topping it
Too late now ... for me anyway .. :)
There are people who hate me, Bruce
There are some that don't like me either Jenn. Hate is a very strong word though.
It's a better word than the one that was used
If you don't feel like elaborating I'll understand. Tis up to you :) I'm a great listener .. always have been.
"×âuck you, jenn. Don't ever call me or contact me again." That pretty much sums up the feeling, I think, don't you?
My wife said that to me before we were married, what can I say?
Hey, then I'll invite you to the wedding...
Promise? :)
Yeah, as soon as hell freezes over and he talks to me again......sure, no problem
Am I wrong to ask what happened?
No.....you really want to hear? It's complicated
Of course I do ... I wouldn't ask if I didn't, k?
I met someone online. We've been talking for over 10 months now. Was only supposed to be "pen pals," but after talking over the phone and writing letters almost every day, it turned into more than I ever expected. However, he lives 1700 miles away, so I was not too keen on thinking this was something that could actually happen.
ok
So, we've taken it one day at a time, and keeping in mind that if the opportunity presented itself, we would take it and meet.One day I posted in a real audio discussion group for help and a few people responded, etc. And one person stood out. We spent an entire day emailing back n forth, etc. And continued this for weeks. He was going thru a divorce and I was having problems here. So, we became very close and I valued his friendship so very much. He ended up moving out, as did I. I didn't speak to my family for 4 mths. The day the blowout happened, I email my buddies to tell them I'd be away and he immediately wrote back and left his #, because he was worried (he knew what was going on here) I didn't think. I just called. I needed a friend to talk to and he had a similar childhood to my own so he knew what I'd been thru and was still going thru. I changed EVERYTHING by calling. I should have thought it through first.
Wait a sec Jenn, k?
sorry
No, don't be sorry ... you're not going too fast or anything.
just long-winded
You said you should have thought it out first.
I shouldn't have called at ALL
You obviously DID think it out ... you needed to speak to a friend, right?
I just reacted, dialed and spoke. I should have realized that this would change all
Whatever for, maybe just a shoulder to cry on, that isn't wrong at all.
Sorry, I'm making this into such a long story....you are the first person I've ever told the entire thing to
Tis okay ... time is nothing when getting to know friends better :)
thank you
anytime Jenn ... I mean that :)
continue?
please do :)
ok. When I moved out, I had no one. My best friend moved 500 miles away, my other friends were too preoccupied and I didnt want to burden them. I had no family, no friends. Just my online sweetheart and my new found friend. He and I talked a few more times. From the very beginnning, he knew about my sweetheart. He even urged me to go through with it and meet him. He knew he was only a friend and would stay that way. He seemed ok with it at first.

Sat, Dec 18, 1999, 12:48pm
I didn't think I'd led him on, if I did, it was unintentional. But, he said he developed feelings for me and wanted to drive here (5 hrs away) and meet. I told him it was impossible and I couldn't do it. I trusted him, valued him, told him things I knew only he (from a similar background) would understand. He did the same. But, he wanted to be a "real" part of my life. When I told him I couldn't, he said we couldn't talk anymore for a while because he couldn't help how he felt and didn't want to get hurt. The horrible thing is, i hadn't told my sweetheart i was talking to him. i was only a few times. most of our correspondance was via email. it didnt seem wrong or dishonest. if i'd met this guy here, he'd be like any other male friend i have, but b/c i'd met him online, it made it a bit different. even though to me this guy was only a friend. I knew my sweetheart would be upset. so, when the guy emailed me 3 wks later, telling me that he missed our friendship and wanted to be in my life whatever way possible (even if only a friend), i decided to fess up and tell my sweetheart His reaction sealed the ending to this story.
If you hadn't told your sweetheart about your friend, not only would you feel guilty about it, but in the off chance he'd find out later, he'd be twice as pissed, right?
right.
So, you did the right and honest thing in the situation. :)
i mean, we met out here. he knows i have email pals. but none that i'd talked to outside the web except him and i honestly wanted this guy to be in my life. a "real" friend, not just online.
of course, there's nothing wrong with that. I just needed to tell you you were in the right. Continue?
but before i'd done that, i had to tell my sweetheart. He was not hurt that i'd made a friend. he was actually happy, because he knew that there were things i'd been through that he couldnt help me with and if this person was good for me, then it was ok. he was just worried that i'd forget about our goal of meeting each other in favor of this new guy. he thought he was going to lose me. I had hurt him. This wonderful man. I felt physical pain at the thought of it. Ironically, it was then that I realized that I'd made up my mind. I wanted to be with him. No more stalling, no more "what ifs". This was the person I wanted to be with, come hell or high water. Less than a week later, I talked to my friend and he brought up again....."why can't we meet, what's the reason, etc"
Was the reason cuz you sweetheart wouldn't like it?
I told him straight out. That I'd told my sweetheart that he was my friend and it was because of him that we couldn't meet. How could I meet this person over my sweetheart?
Very true!!
No, I didn't think it was right.
Not "over" your sweetheart .... you could have met both. Just so both realized in what aspect they were being met.
Yes, but i felt i owed it o my sweetheart to meet him first. Exactly So, he just blew up! Started getting into how I led him on, and how he'd bore his soul to me, he thought I was the one, etc etc. That I was selfish and just used him......etc etc The pain in his voice.....it tore me up. It was sincere sadness
You'd told him before he was just a friend ... he wanted it to be more, that was his misinterpretation.
So, he told me to lose his address, never to email him again, and never to call. I haven't. Not a day goes by that I don't regret that he was hurt.
Think of it the other way Jenn, k?

Mon, Jan 3, 2000, 10:04pm
You had said something when I said it was more than coincidence we had met.
yeah..?
you weren't sure what to think of that statement?
i didnt know what you meant exactly at the time
do you now?
for a split second, the paranoid part of me took over and i thought you were playing a trick on me
never Jenn ... no tricks ... k?
i think i know what you meant, but since you were the one who said it, i would rather you tell me what you meant by it
ever read the book the Celestine Prophecy?
DJ-Sweeper thinks he asked you that before, not sure tho
no,, u did ask me b4
that explains why i said - to a "T" :)
i should read it then?
we're all here to travel our individual roads to our destiny, whatever it may be. Those we encounter along the way hold choices, which detour to take ... the lessons of life are not to take the detours, but allow those met to "point" the direction. The book explains it much better, really :)
Have you ever seen "Sliding Doors?"
no
have you heard of it?
no ... who's it by?
it was a movie out a year or so ago with gywenth paltrow
I'll hafta check the video store to see if it's there.
let me tell you a little about it and what it meant to me ok? Set in london, it was about a woman who's life is shown two ways.....which way her life would go depending on whether she caught a train or missed it one day. The thing that spoke to me and confirmed what i always believed was that whatever is supposed to happen for you will, .....just that it sometimes takes a little longer to get there, depending on choices or something as simple as missing or catching a train one day
that's true - our destinies don't change - just the route in getting there
you really should rent it. Thats what i believe, too. It gave me hope :)
There's always hope Jenn :)
hard to hold on to sometimes, Bruce
To give up on hope is to give up on self
yes, I agree
i feel like i've only just started to live in these last 5 months
So now you're on the right track ... :)
the things i've always prayed for are finally so close i can almost touch them and i'm doing my part to get there
in your sweetheart you mean .... it's gonna happen Jenn :)
not just Kenny, althought he is a part of it. There is so much more.
work also?
no....although i do have a better job than i ever have. it's more personal....finally getting away from the ......horror that was my past.
you needn't go through it again .. not for me, not for anyone .. that's past, k?
maybe someday, i can tell you...there's just too much and i'm not far enough away from it yet
take your time Jenn, all the time you need. If I never hear it, that's fine :)
you may wish that
I may ... I may not ...... I've heard many pasts from online friends .. some too bizarre to think about
anyway....bruce, i have to get going in a few minutes. At midnight, it will be 11 months for me and Kenny and I want to talk to him.
whenever you need to ... np :)
you getting up at 4?
no -- in-laws back now :)
no more delivering?
no .... hehehehehe
DJ-Sweeper dances around a bit
ohhhhhhh, im so glad for you! what do you have to do then?
I get up at 6 then -- to work at 7
ouch. forgive me...but what do you do again? we always talk about you having to deliver papers that i forgot about your actual job
work at a printshop called the Eido --- (I do) was thinking about traveling at night to do census taking also --- $12 an hr
thats not a bad idea what does Dee think?
she's all for it -- extra money -- lol
it does help
yea - can't hurt, that's for sure :)